A note from the original Valentina Nervosa...

Once upon a time, I was looking outside the window in deep thought,

"I'm so happy it's ridiculous. I wish I knew how heartbreak feels like."

Now, wishing THAT is ridiculous. Looking back at myself 10 years ago, I wanted to step back into the past (with a fabulous hot new curve due to heart break diet) and slap her face and tell her to not wish stupid things.

Because heart break is the lousiest feeling in the world. You are pathetic one way or another. You keep telling yourself you can cope, and it sounds pathetic. You cry yourself to sleep, and that's pathetic too. You eat chocolate and write in your blog that chocolate is better than a relationship, and that's one rubbish that is pathetic in every sense.

Listening to all types of heartbreak song from Yuna's "Dan Sebenarnya" to Estrella's "Masih" thinking you're so cool for listening to indie band? Pathetic. Listening to old Ramlah Ram's "Kau Kunci Cintaku Di Dalam Hatimu" is not just pathetic, it's even retro-pathetic. Listening to Gloria Gaynor's "I Will Survive" or Chaka Khan? Well... we're not in a Renee Zellweger movie, are we?

That is the highest in the rank of feebleness.

Overall, once heart break occurs, it's frailty all around. You just have to get through it one way or another.
But why should you be heartbroken and pathetic and sit around with messy hair and cookie crumbs on your lap thinking Oh my God I will never find anyone ever again and I will die a spinster? Pathetic or not, I'd rather make money out of it. Share this pathetic feeling with the world (or some curious readers who wouldn't mind spending money reading someone yapping away about how pathetic they are).

Yes, a heart break is the most difficult feeling in the world (if you exclude all the bigger problems in the world like world hunger or so-called war on terrorism). Like one friend said, it weakens you to a point that you feel like you'd rather die.

As soon as you hit 27 (no, I'm not. I'm 30) and realise that all around you people are getting married, you will feel so annoyed and be like, "Why in the world people marry so young these days" while you on the other hand, are 'blessed' with the news that your guy cheated on you with a dumb 23 year old who might be suicidal/immature/both.

Then you realised that your world revolves around these people:

a) Heartbreak Club members
Funnily, heart broken chicks kinda flock together like weird unwanted sheeps. It's weird how we kinda have that vibration to attract other heartbroken ladies and establish this one giant unit of self-pity.
It's always the same conversation.
"Ugh, we are so pathetic."
"Yes. I just want to go kill that guy."
"And be done with it."
"Ugh and I will slaughter him into pieces, and feed the remnants to a dog. And the most pathetic thing of all is, despite of all that, I will still love him."
"Yup. Ironic."
They say it's not healthy. But then being around happy people in a relationship makes you even depressed.

b) Happy married people
It's always difficult. We always want to talk about things but it always ended with us getting annoyed with each other. The married friend will get annoyed because you seem to not be able to move on and talk about 'him', 'him', 'him' all the time - always with different mood. Like, today it'll be like, "You know what? I wish him all happiness." and tomorrow it'll be like, "You know what, that dude can rot in hell."
You, on the other hand are annoyed because married people are happy people who has gone beyond that pathetic rocky relationship. They'll be like, "Oh, my husband just got promoted." or "We're gonna go to Bali this weekend." while you're at home with messy hair, tons of datelines and starting a new life without the ugly traitor/love of my life/stupid donkey/the one and only.

c) The matchmaker
The thing with a matchmaker is that it's fine when you ask for it. But it's not when you just want to deal on your own and they started to pair you up like a jigsaw puzzle just because "I have succcesfully matched Ana and Roslan and they're happily married now." One couple doesn't make a right, you know.
The thing is, matchmakers always match you up with people THEY think will match, instead of people who actually match you. Like, if you're plus-sized, they'll find a big bear-like guy. If you're dark-skinned, they'll find major sunburnt dude. If you are a bookworm, they'll get you a nerd. If you're a size 149cm, they'll find small guys to fit the size.
And it's forced upon you. And every time they match you up with some unethical dofuss, you kinda have this thought that maybe your matchmaker is trying to say that you only worth this kind of guys. Which is, no offense to that guy, but still, an offense to you.

d) The Loudspeaker
Sadly, there are lots of them. Sometimes they're just being funny, and sometimes they do intend to hack your marketability. These are girls (or sometimes guys) who likes to say outloud stupid stuff like,
"Oh, that must be your boyfriend!" every time your phone rang, or making that assumption like, "Hey, who is picking you today? Must be your fiance!" and no matter how many times you tell them that you're single, they're gonna still make that assumption LOUDLY so that the whole world around you thinks that you are unavailable.
Sometimes when they introduce you to their male friends, they always make this retort,
"Hi, Azmin this is Maya. Maya this is Azmin."
"Hi. Wah, you never told me you have a female friend!"
"Yeah, haha. Maya is not into guys like you. She likes hot guys."
When did I ever said that? Not that I want to marry this Azmin guy, but heck, don't pull me off like that!

But now, I don’t think all of that is important anymore. I think the waiting game, the meeting a lot of strange characters, the pain and suffering that comes with heartbreak is just a stepping stone towards something even more.

When you loved and had your heart broken, you learn to love better. You learn the boundaries between hopes and reality. You are no longer living in fairy tale. And only when you stop realising you’re not living in fairy tale, and that all those hatred and revenge is not in any way a resolution to your problem, you will start to ACTUALLY live.

And only when you leave all those things behind and start to live without questions, then you will find your way. ACTUALLY find your way.

I am Mariyyah Mukhtar.
Nama aku Mariyyah Mukhtar 

I am the original Valentina Nervosa.
Aku Valentina Nervosa yang sebenar 

At 28 I finally found the love of my life, the ACTUAL love of my life and at 30 – the prime of my life, I married him.
Pada usiaku 28 tahun, aku menemui cinta yang sebenar, teman yang sebenar dan pada usia 30 tahun, usia paling unggul dalam hidupku, aku mengahwininya.

Marriage is not the be-all end-all. It’s only the beginning of something amazing.